The following is an email that I sent to both my counselor and one of my closest friends at 3:57AM on April 25th. The only edits I made were to correct spelling, and add a few missing words.
I just had a nightmare..
I was with a group of people that were trying to catch a person who wanted to kill me. We were asking around for clues and details.. He was obviously a very sick person, it wasnât clear why he needed to kill me (somehow this part seemed very important, why was consuming my thoughts instead of who was he and how do I find him). Through investigation my group found proof as to who the person was, it turned out that I knew him, and I knew why he wanted to kill me, and that he has tried to kill me before, but I couldnât remember him. So one of the my friends took me to the side as the man was walking up the street we were on, approaching us, but before he was close enough to see he told me that I knew the man, I didnât believe him, he told me that I knew what he looked like, I didnât believe him, then he told me that I knew why he wanted to kill me.. But I still couldnât believe/remember, so he gave me prompts to remind me of what he looked like âhis hair was grey, wasnât it?â my friend asked, âyes it wasâ I answered, not even knowing where the answer was coming from. âhe was tall, with broad shouldersâ he asked, âyes he wasâ.. The picture my friend was painting was so clear in my mind, so real that as the man approached it all made sense that it was him, when he finally was almost inches away from me (he was walking right past me, like watching, but not ready to kill).. I blurted out âitâs himâ. My friends gathered around him and pulled him to the ground, apparently he planned to burn himself alive after killing me, he was cover in gasoline. But he couldnât ignite the fire.. not because he couldnât physically do it, but he was crying to himself about something. Â My friends were trying to create a spark, they wanted him to die accidentally as they were capturing him. I didnât want him to die. I kept wondering why he wanted to kill me, I felt sympathy for him. I wondered if I deserved to die, if he had a valid reason. He was obviously mentally disturbed, he was crying to himself about something. I was so convinced that he must have had a valid reason, that I had possibly hurt him somehow, Â that I kept picturing in my mind that lighting him on fire would be like lighting my baby sister, I could see her face catch fire and burn. I wanted to defend him from my friends. I needed to protect him. Â They couldnât understand, even though i explained to them how i felt.. they just kept trying to cause a spark. The images of my sister burning were too painful to keep seeing that I woke up..
In the dream I wasnât me, I was a man. And my friends were not friends I know in real life. But I could feel these things to be true..
The worst thing is that I feel like this dream is about myself. That the man who was trying to kill me is the sick part of myself thatâs always trying to hurt me. That I feel so much sympathy for that part of myself. I worry that itâs sickness has a valid reason to want my destruction.. My friends and counselor have been trying to point that part of me out through clues, and now that Iâve found her they want to kill her, but I want to protect her.. I have to protect her.
I believe dreams are a means by which a person can understand their unconscious mind. They are important to me, and they often inspire my creativity.